May 26, 1980
I just drove Melanie back to Logan Airport. I’m definitely in trouble, because this weekend didn’t show us how far apart we were, but reaffirmed how much we enjoy each other. Not only was going to see The Empire Strikes Back amazing, but then she got along so well with Al and Whitney.
Whether or not I’m in love with her, I’m definitely heading in that direction, and this weekend was not helpful. Not only do I have too many things planned for me to fall for a woman in this time, but I also don’t know the ramifications. I certainly can’t have children, but that’s really the only real obstacle I can think of. Am I just trying to rationalize it to myself or am I right?
I know it’s ridiculous, but I think about Doc Brown a lot. He started off with a clear set of rules about time-travel, and he seems to break almost all of them. As it is, I’ve already broke the almanac rule, by placing a bet on the Superbowl, but I had to, and I didn’t win a fortune. Doc Brown basically decides ‘what the hell?’ when it comes to any major issue in his own future.
There are a few different theories about time travel, and being that I am the first ‘known’ time-traveler, I’ve been pondering them a lot lately. There is the idea that traveling back in time, changes things. This theory makes the most sense at a surface level. You think “of course, you being back there in 1980 changes everything after. The second theory, is that there is no version of 1980-2010 in which I didn’t travel back in time, therefore anything I affect, was always affected. This is what I have been personally leaning towards, but I wonder if that’s based out of selfishness.
If I accept the second theory, I can justify anything to myself. I can say “hey, if I have kids, it means I always was gonna have kids in the past.” It’s potentially dangerous.
This is why I think the second is likely true, or at least that this idea of world destroying paradox that every time-travel movie talks about is a bunch of bullshit: if there was going to be some event caused by a time-traveler in which the universe begins to collapse in on itself (i.e. if I went back in time and high fived myself) it would have already happened. I know what you’re thinking, I’m the first time-traveler I know about, but if there was something that was something that I do between now and 2010 which will cause the world to collapse, it would have already happened, right?
I’m aware that I’ve been doing a lot of mental gymnastics in order to justify how I can live with Melanie, or any other woman. The fact that it is persisting even as I build meaningful friendships make me think it is more than some kind of temporal homesickness.
I’ve thought about a therapist. They would be bound to keep confidential my information, if I could show them I was not a threat to anyone including myself, and arguably I could make them believe me if I tell them about a few things that I couldn’t guess randomly at. It might be good for me.
I haven’t known Melanie long, and I try telling myself that every time I feel overwhelmed about her. But every time we talk we seem to be clicking on all levels, and every time I see her bare body I feel no less lust or attraction than the previous times.
Ultimately, I think I just have to let Melanie direct this. I still hope that she finds someone, but I cannot continue to see her and try to not like it.
Driving into Logan I realized how much different it is than in the future. Somehow it’s more confusing and difficult to navigate. I do wonder when this feeling of alienation in my own state will go away.